The Sleep Stack

My vocal talent went on strike, so the narration is AI today. It’s not great. I recommend you just read it yourself.

Caroline’s heart fluttered as she tried on her third top of the evening, a silk green that matched her morning matcha. Maybe Ethan would notice that it matched her eyes, too.

The oven was preheated. The salmon was glazed. The vegetables were ready to sauté. Ethan was late. Caroline was again considering changing shirts when the doorbell finally rang.

Whatever annoyance she was feeling faded when she opened the door and saw Ethan had a bottle of wine, a single rose, and a duffel bag slung over his broad shoulders. His shoulders were so wide that he almost had to turn sideways to fit through the narrow apartment door.

They made pleasant conversation while Caroline finished cooking. She was relieved to hear a little bit of nervousness in Ethan’s voice, too. This mattered to him.

As they plated, Caroline worked up her courage and made a confession. “Thank you for bringing the wine, but a weird thing about me is that...” She paused, but at this point, she was already committed. “I don’t drink at night.”

Ethan smiled with relief. “I’m so glad to hear you say that! I’m the same.”

Caroline felt tension leave her back as she breathed a sigh of relief.

“I was just laughing about this the other day,” Ethan continued. “Day drinking is considered degenerate, but it’s evening drinking that ruins your sleep.”

“YES!” exclaimed Caroline. “Sleep is so important.”

“I never have caffeine or alcohol after 11:30,” Ethan said proudly.

If Ethan had proposed at that moment, Caroline would have said yes.

Over dinner, the two swapped stories about Huberman podcasts and bio-optimization. After skipping dessert, Caroline asked a question that had been bothering her.

“What’s in the duffel bag?”

Ethan bashfully turned his head aside and thought for a moment before answering. “Not to be too forward, but I had a feeling tonight was going to go well, so I brought my sleep stack.”

Caroline arched an eyebrow and smiled. “Oh, really? You move fast.”

“Actually, it’s almost 8:30. I’m already breaking rules tonight.”

“Well, maybe we should go to the bedroom now.”

“Great!” said Ethan. “I’ll get my things.”

Confused, Caroline stopped biting her lip as Ethan picked up his heavy duffel bag.

“What did you bring?”

“Mouthguard, eye mask, that kind of stuff.”

“Of course! The essentials.” Caroline nodded, eager to prove she was game for anything. “Do you need to borrow mouth tape?”

“Brought it. Do you have noise-canceling headphones?”

“Sure do.”

“Great. You’re going to need them,” said Ethan as he began setting up his CPAP machine.

Caroline hesitated as she watched Ethan plug in his breathing tube. She again tried to share in his enthusiasm. “I have an Eight Sleep mattress.”

Ethan looked Caroline in the eyes with earnest relief. “I was afraid to ask! Do you swaddle?”

Caroline cocked her head in confusion. “I have a weighted blanket.”

Ethan shook his head at the amateur commitment to sleep. “You have to try going full burrito. It’s like being back in the womb.”

Caroline tried to formulate a sultry play on words, but Ethan kept taking items out of his bag.

“Of course, there’s the heart rate monitor, breath rate monitor, humidifier, blood oxygen monitor, and CO2 monitor for the room. And the catheter.”

Caroline tried another tactic. “Do you measure everything that Bryan Johnson measures?”

The question flew over Ethan’s head. They went to sleep. Once, Caroline put a hand on Ethan’s swaddled form, but she wasn’t sure if he noticed. Despite the warm blanket, she felt very cold.

The next morning, they emerged from their cocoons and consulted their phones.

“That’s... really low.”

Caroline looked up, sharing the same thought. “Your sleep score?”

“Yeah,” Ethan said. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

Caroline exited the bedroom and sighed at the single rose wilting under the humidifier’s steam.