A collection of unscientific techniques for manipulating children into becoming better people. My kids are toddlers. Let me know if any of these wouldn’t work on older children (or adults!).
Play is fun and easy. This is a post about the best way to word the unpleasant things.
The Magician’s Choice
Think of two options that both work for you. Let your child choose which one they do.
Don’t say: Do you want to sit on the potty?
Say: Do you want to sit on the big potty or the little potty?
Don’t say: Put on your shoes.
Say: Do you want to put on your shoes or clean up the playroom?
Some have noticed this works for adults as well.
Honest Questions
When addressing equals, we learn to hide our commands in questions.
Adults may know how to read between the lines, but children are too literal. If the answer is “no,” they will honestly respond with “no.”
(Sometimes they will say “no” even if it’s not a question!)
If a statement isn’t a question, confidently assert the command.
Don’t say: Do you want to sit on the potty before we leave?
Say: It’s time to sit on the potty.
Delegate Ownership
Children rationalize and defend their decisions. If you hold up your toddler so that they can turn out the lights, then they are less likely to cry when the lights turn off for bedtime.
Delegate Authority
If your older child doesn't want to go upstairs for bedtime, tell her to tell her little brother it's time to go upstairs.
Maybe Yes
When children trust someone, “maybe” is interpreted as “yes.” Don’t say “maybe” unless you mean “yes.”
You say: Maybe we’ll have ice cream after dinner.
Child hears: We’ll have ice cream after dinner.
Don’t say “maybe” unless you mean “yes.” Then again, if you mean “yes,” then just say “yes.”
If you say “maybe” to put off saying “no,” you’re a weasel following a strategy that doesn’t even work.
Distract
Children have limited willpower. If you put them next to a bowl of candy they can't have, they might be able to follow instructions for a while. But eventually, they will start eating candy.
Take temptation out of sight and out of mind. Stash toys in opaque boxes. Conceal candy on top of the fridge. Suggest an activity to do instead.
Don't say: We're not watching TV.
Say: We’re not watching TV. Let's go get the mail!
Read the Crowd
When caring for multiple children, pitch your group ideas to the most receptive one and let the others follow in their footsteps.
To Toddler 1: Do you want to go to the park?
To Toddler 2: Come to the park with us!
Tone
Most parenting is done with calm confidence. However, you are sometimes allowed to honestly express anger when your child is taking an action that is completely unacceptable.
Your child will have to learn how to express their feelings, both positive and negative. When you are angry, you have an opportunity to demonstrate how an angry person should react.
It makes Daddy and Mommy very angry when you hit your little brother. We do not hit in this house. Gentle touches only.
If you anger too frequently, it will lose its power.
Listen, Acknowledge, Refuse Politely (LARP)
Children don't always get what they want, and that can be frustrating. Imagine how much more distressing it can be if they think they're not getting what they want because their parents don't understand them.
When children are preverbal, you don’t know what they want. You’re constantly telling them no through ignorance. When they first learn how to communicate, it can be tempting to plead ignorance to inconvenient requests. This is tremendously unfair, infuriating, and counterproductive to your long-term goals.
The most important sentence in parenting is "Use your words." This can and should be said even when you’re LARP’ing.
I understand that you want to eat chips, but we're not eating chips tonight. You can either have more toast or more carrots. Show your little brother how to eat toast.
Update
Two months later, I must regretfully update this post to say that the alpha is all dried out of many of these strategies. If my daughter says she wants X and I say she can have “Y or Z,” she angrily affirms “Listen, what I want is X.” At least I’ve increased her agency!
😅 fun post
How do you feel about: "When they first learn how to communicate, it can be tempting to plead ignorance to inconvenient requests. This is tremendously unfair, infuriating, and counterproductive to your long-term goals." given the update "..she angrily affirms “Listen, what I want is X.”"
Does it fall into the same category of "tremendously unfair, infuriating, and counterproductive to your long-term goals."?